Female role-models

I recently was watching a talk by Elizabeth Gilbert on 'getting your life together'.  She has many interesting points, such as the fact that last couple generations of women are among the first to receive an education and be granted independence.  With all of the benefits of freedom also come consequences, such as feeling conflicted, disappointed and self-critical.

Her conclusion is that we should all be more accepting and gentle with ourselves.

For women and mothers this conclusion is both inspirational and necessary.  With constant pressure from the media and society to look a certain way, to have an awesome career and nurture our families, to cook everything from scratch and have plenty of quality time to spend with the kids and be an affectionate wife, it is easy to feel insufficient.

But we need to show an alternative to our children.  For our daughters, we need to demonstrate that we are allowed to make mistakes without feeling totally worthless.  That our worth comes from within, not from any outside standard, no matter what others think.  For our sons, we need to show that a woman's role is not to put everyone else's needs before her own.

Instead of being hypercritical of our defects, let us just do our best with limited time and energy, and dare to be proud in spite of imperfection.  When things don't go half as well as we imagined in our brains, let us be patient and oh so gentle with ourselves.

Mamma Tip: Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are officially here!  It's a time of joy and celebration, food and family.  However, if you are anything like me, it is far too easy to get so caught up in the cyclone of feasts and hoopla that you forget to take care of yourself.  Then you wake up in mid-January, wondering why you are so worn out!

This season, I am trying to stay mindful and remember to tend to my needs.  Here are a few ways to do just that:

Visitations


Resist the temptation to overbook.  It's possible that many people will give you pressure to attend their event, and you probably want to see everyone  Take time to think about if you really can go before you agree.  Less is probably better.  If you regret saying 'no', you can always change your mind and stop by for a short visit.  Schedule ample time for yourself to relax, go for a jog or go to the park and reflect.


Keep it simple.  If you love gift exchanges and getting dolled up in fancy outfits, that's great.  However, I am not a big fan.  Read Leo Babauta's 'The no new gift exchange holiday challenge'.

At parties


Prepare ahead of time.  List everything you need to bring.  Try bringing as little as possible.  If you are bringing a dish, cook it ahead of time.  Put everything you need to bring (diapers, extra clothes, etc.) in the car the night before. Straighten up the house before you leave so you do not return to a disaster!

Arrive when you are ready.  I used to place so much importance on arriving early or on time, that I would rush around in a hurried frenzy.  Stay calm and relaxed.  Take time to enjoy your breakfast, listen to calm music or take a warm bath.


Take a break.  At the party, take a break from everyone.  Go for a walk, go in another room to take a nap, read or chat with one person.  Constant food and stimulation can be overwhelming.  Make sure that you take time to breathe!


Indulge.  There is great food at this time of the year.  Make sure you enjoy it.  Be selective!  Instead of piling your plate high, select only a few items that seem most appealing.  Take time to make it look nice on your plate.  Savor each bite.  Sip your wine.  Your stomach will thank you, and you probably will have a better time too.  It is very hard to relish your food when running after your little one.  Wait until someone else can watch your child before you eat.  You will enjoy your food much more.


Pack pajamas.  You probably change your child into pajamas before you leave the party.  Do the same for yourself.  You will be more cozy and can just plop in bed when you get home.

Between parties


Keep a healthy routine.  When you are not at parties, stick to a healthy routine as much as possible.  Plenty of sleep, water, vegetables and exercise will keep you balanced.


Do something you love.  Since most of us have time off from work during the holidays, take time to do something you love.  I have recently started listening to ChinesePod again, and it feels good to do something just for myself.  Avoid activities that will be a hassle such as preparing elaborate meals (includes lots of clean-up) or fancy projects.  Simple things like a good book, writing a poem or picking up an instrument will do just fine.


Have fun and be merry!  It's a great time :)

Mamma Tip: Taking advantage of survival skills

I am a relatively laid back mother, which sometimes is quite frightening for my China-born husband.  When it comes to mothering, I like to rely on our child's 'survival skills' as much as possible.  Let me explain.

A few months ago I visited a family with five children, the youngest just a few weeks older than our daughter.  When the father plopped a bowl of cherries on the table, this little rascal--only 8 months old--deliberately dumped as many cherries as possible in his high chair and hoarded them to relish one by one, so that his siblings would not beat him to the harvest.  Like a monkey in the wild, this kid was well on his way to fending for himself!  He crawled around the house independently and was able to fulfill many of his own needs.

Why encourage survival skills?

I believe that we all need a sense of challenge and one of the joys of life is learning through exploration.  Also, my daughter already wants to have a sense of control in her life.  By pushing her a little, she feels a sense of accomplishment.

Some examples:

• When I'm cooking or doing dishes, I often let her crawl around the living room floor alone.  Rather than putting her in the playpen, she can enter the kitchen as she pleases or play with her toys.  Make sure that your area is safe for playing and baby proof!

• When I want my daughter to come to me, I just turn off the light where she is and let her follow.  Like a duckling, she naturally follows me.

• If I want her to enter a room, I close the door.  Then she pushes it open and crawls right in by herself.  Whenever I say, 'Come here, come in!', she madly crawls in the opposite direction.  Reverse psychology works!

• I let her climb up and down the stairs.  Of course, you have to be careful with this one!  Always stay behind your child because there could be real danger (i.e. a broken neck!) 

• She feeds herself.  (This goes for nursing too).  Once she was crawling around and pulled out a hunk of carrot that she had hid the previous day.  Apparently she stored it out of sight, knowing that otherwise I would finish it.

• If she wants to take off her clothes, sometimes I let her undress herself as much as possible, just for practice.

I am not one to push for 'independent' babies, but I believe that some survival skills will give children the confidence that they are able to do many things themselves.

Mamma Tip: Parenting and Marriage

Having a baby can put stress on your relationship with your spouse.   Though the first few months of parenthood were somewhat stressful for my husband and me, we are now more or less adjusted (though still learning every day).

Here are a few relationship tips that have kept my husband and me in love through our first year of parenthood together.
 
1) Make sure that you are both taking care of yourselves.

This might be a big change.  You probably will not be able to do all of the things that you used to do together.  For example, when I am working, I can't cook elaborate family meals.  It just creates stress, a pile of dishes and a crabby baby.  When my husband is taking care of the baby, I need to do my things (shower, cleaning, grading, etc).  It may sound ultra-practical and utterly unromantic, but ironically, sticking to the basics reduces stress and leaves room for each other.

2) Keep an open mind.

This is key.  Even if you don't come from different cultures, you are sure to have differing parenting styles.  If you are convinced that there is only one way to parent a child, you are going to have conflict and possibly antagonism.  Not good for romance at all.  Let the little things go and be willing to compromise for big disagreements. 

3) Take turns exercising

This is a great one.  First thing in the morning, my husband and I often alternate watching the baby and going for a run.  Great for health and makes us appreciate each other.

4) Greet each other affectionately

Who doesn't love to feel special?  Greet your spouse each day and make them know that they are the most important person in the world.

5) Date

My husband and I have only done this a few times, but it was well worth it.  When you have a chance, leave the baby with a trusted relative or friend and enjoy each other's company.  If you are up to it, go somewhere where parents usually don't go, like a dance club.

6) Sleep separately

This may also seem counter-intuitive, but quality sleep is definitely scarce when you are a new parent.  Take turns staying with the baby so that your partner can get a good night sleep.  Sleep deprivation leads to stress, not romance.

7) Cuddle together after putting the baby down

One of my favorite parts of the day is cuddling next to my husband on the couch as we each read or listen to music.  It may not be the most sizzling moment ever, but it's definitely comfy and romantic enough for a tired parent!

8) Write each other notes

Nothing beats receiving a reminder of your spouse's affections!  Hide them, post them around the house, or send an email.

9) Get childcare help!

Two people are probably not able to care for a baby while working.  Seek childcare help from a babysitter, daycare or relatives.

10) Don't worry, be happy

As parents, your relationship is bound to become secondary from time to time.  While fretting will only add stress, accepting that all change requires adjustment will leave you more relaxed and open.  Just trust that some degree of conflict now and then is normal.  Give yourselves time to adapt and stay positive!

Even in the delicate situation of becoming a parent, remember to take time to nurture yourself and your partner!

Lessons of Motherhood

After one year as a mother, I have learned a lot.  And I clearly have much more to learn.  Here are a few of the valuable lessons that motherhood has taught me:

1. I need to take care of myself.  I have realized that caring for my students, the house, my husband or even the baby is NOT as important as taking care of myself.
2. Strategy is important.  Taking care of a child requires strategy.  At this point, we are apparently still smarter than our little ones, so we should take advantage.  When changing a diaper, it's better to distract her with a small toy so she doesn't kick around and protest.  When letting her explore, baby-proofing the area is essential to avoid spending all of your time saying 'no!'.  Take a shower when the baby is sleeping, before you are desperate.
3. Letting others help is OK.  I used to not like people to help me because 1) I felt insufficient, and 2) I wanted to do everything in a particular way.  Let people help you!  Let your husband be responsible for preparing a meal a few times a week, or doing the dishes.  If relatives visit, take the opportunity to do something else (after all, they are probably there to see the baby, not you!).  Admit that you can't handle it all.  That doesn't make you less valuable as a mother.
4. My ideals are a hindrance.  I realized that loving life includes loving the parts that don't align with my ideals.  Ideals are fake and superficial.  Life is full of surprises and challenges that give us an opportunity to grow.  Ideals prevent us from facing and embracing reality.
5. Boobs are tools.  Before becoming a mother, I found my boobs annoying, heavy or silly.  Now I appreciate them as they are extremely useful.  However, no one will ever love your boobs more than your children do.  No matter what the media tries to tell us, boobs were not primarily made for men.
6. Take the best of different cultures.  The world is chock full of different child-raising practices.  None are completely right or wrong.  Read about different cultures and do what works for you.  If you live in a multicultural family, don't worry if other caregivers do things differently from you.  There are many right ways to raise a child in different contexts.  As the mother, you will have the most influence on your child, so a little variety won't have a huge impact, even if you are not terribly fond of certain things.
7. True learning is slow.  In our fast-paced world, we are pressured to cram in as much stuff as we can in as little time as possible.  However, real learning takes practice, not pressure.  I noticed this in watching our daughter learn to walk, talk, listen, feed herself and play.  Forcing yourself to change overnight is not nearly as promising as practicing new skills over and over, taking one day at a time.
8. Release and move on.  We take our emotions quite seriously.  We hold onto grudges, guilt, resentment and anger.  One thing that I noticed about our daughter is that when she's upset, she lets you know.  And then she moves on as if nothing happened.  Release the tension- with exercise, journaling or confessing your guilt.  Then move on.
9. Food is for enjoyment.  We are often so worried about eating the 'right' thing that food becomes a big affair.  Our daughter eats when she's hungry, throws her food on the floor when she needs a break, tries new things like garlic, onions and bittermelon and has a great time.  Love your body and enjoy your food.
10. We are all special.  This is hard to remember.  We are so used to comparing people based on their jobs, wealth, talents, fashion and fame.  But when you look at children, you remember that we all have intrinsic value.  We are not good because of our hair-do, our car, our status, our abilities or our intellect.  We are good because we are living, breathing creatures.  So when you are about to pass judgment on yourself or others, think of how special and unique every baby is.  You are still just that special!

Mamma Tip: Night Weaning

A few weeks back, just before our daughter turned one year old, we decided to wean her at night.

It was getting to the point where she decided to indulge in the 'all night buffet', and I was left feeding her to the point that I was uncomfortable, thirsty and more and more irritable.

I never was fond of the idea of letting her cry herself to sleep.  She had always slept close to us in our bed and would surely freak out if all of a sudden she had to sleep in her own room with her own crib.  Besides, I have always felt that co-sleeping could give her a sense of security and comfort.  And I'm all for night cuddles too!

But the night feedings were unbearably draining.  So here's what we did:

1.  Feed her to sleep at 8:00 bedtime, as always.  I had always nursed her to sleep, so I continued to do this to give her a sense of comfort and familiarity.  I let her nurse as long as she wanted, and waited until she was in a deep sleep before I went away.

2.  Put on a disposable diaper.  She usually uses cloth during the day, but my husband and I were having to change a wet diaper 2-4 times per night.  So about 45 minutes - 1 hour after she was asleep, we changed her into a disposable, so she wouldn't 'pee' herself awake.  We found that if we started out with a disposable, it would still soak through.

3.  Sleep in separate rooms.  We decided to alternate getting good sleep, so my husband and I took turns sleeping with the baby, while the other got some quality shut-eye.

4.  Make sure that you have a warm comforter or clothes that will keep your baby covered through the night.  A baby that is not dressed warm enough probably will not sleep well.  In fact, the only periods when she slept through the night (around 3-5 months) was when she slept in a snow suit.

5.  The hard part: Let her cry when she wakes up.  I was right next to her, so I would hold her close, but wouldn't feed her.  Make sure you are wearing clothes that she cannot easily undo!  Also, line your bedframe with pillows so that she doesn't bump her head.  Make sure she can't fall out of the bed!  Hold her or pretend you are asleep and avoid any stimulation.  We also chant a monotonous 'Boh, boh, Ba-by... Boh, boh, Ba-be...', which tends to make everyone around very drowsy.

The crying lasted for about 1 hour the first night, 45 minutes the second night and 10 minutes the third night.  Then sporadically until it stopped completely.  It was sad to hear her wail, but I knew that at least she couldn't have thought that I had abandoned her, since I was right there next to her.  I also tried to use a soothing voice to calm her (usually to no avail, but again, at least she knows I'm there).

6.  Wake up and feed immediately.  This usually happens between 5:30 and 6:30 these days.  Make sure she eats plenty during the day, so that she's not hungry at night.

So for those of you who are tired of night-feedings, but aren't comfortable leaving your baby in another room to cry, this might be a happy medium.  It took a little while before she got the message that I was not going to feed her, but in the end it worked.  Now she can sleep about 9 hours at a time, a big improvement from the 2-4 hours that she was sleeping before.  I am also a much happier sleeper now, and am pleased that I made this compromise.

Three good reasons to quit your gym membership

In the past I have had periods when I went to the gym daily and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I definitely see the benefits of using the gym if you can fit it into your routine and make good use of it.  In fact, while pregnant I went to the gym and swam every day.  If you are a happy gym user, this post is not for you.

However, after giving birth making time to exercise was enough of a challenge, not to mention driving to the gym, changing and showering.  Since then, I have found simpler ways to exercise that are half the hassle.

So if you have a gym membership, but find going to the gym adds stress or if you just plain don't go, here are 3 good reasons to quit, as well as some alternatives:

• Save the hassle!:  Having a gym membership means that you have to get to the gym.  This might involve special clothes, transportation to and from (quite troublesome with a baby), changing there and showering.  Plus, if there is no childcare at the gym, you have to make sure that someone is available to watch the baby.  If the baby is still little and breastfeeding, then you have to feed her before you leave or pump a bottle.  Then you may still spend the whole time worrying that everything is going well.  And you might even feel guilty for leaving. 

Alternatives:  Exercise with your baby (rollerblading, bike riding, running), or leave baby at home with dad for 10 minutes while you take a quick jog outdoors.  You will get fresh air and will save a lot of time and energy on transportation.

• Save money:  A gym membership probably costs between $100 and $300 per year.  Quite a lot if you are not a regular user or find going to the gym stressful.

Alternatives:  Purchase a good pair of tennis shoes if you don't have any.  You would need them for the gym anyway.  Use them instead to get some walking in.  Walk to the park, the grocery store and the bank pushing the stroller.  This form of exercise is bound to save you a lot of money on the gym, and possibly gas money too.  If you like swimming, consider purchasing an open swim pass from the local school gym, which is probably less expensive than a year's gym membership.

• Get fresh air:  The gym might make you sound hard core, but it probably won't help you connect with nature.  The machines can get monotonous after a while, and the environment might be stressful for a new mother.  I always enjoyed the gym, but after becoming a mom, I wanted a more quiet and peaceful form of exercise.

Alternatives:  Explore hiking trails in nearby woods or take a jog by a pond or a river.  Or just enjoy being outside in your neighborhood.  These environments are more calming when dealing with the stresses of motherhood.

There you have it.  Three good reasons to seek out alternatives to your gym membership.

Every day is a fresh start

As the semester has gotten busier, I have spent most of my time grading papers, trying to keep up with housework and resting.  It has been hard to place importance on other needs such as exercising and eating well.

Basically I've been in a bit of a rut.

Even so, I try to keep in mind that every day is a fresh start.

Every day is a new chance to apply your habits.  Every day you have a chance to do one thing that will make your life just slightly better.  Don't worry about getting everything in your routine right.  Don't worry about if you did it yesterday.  Don't anticipate having to do it tomorrow.  Don't worry if some unexpected commitments throw you off.  Just accept that life has its ups and downs, and once you get through this 'phase', you can spend more time maintaining the great habits you've started.

Habits are not there to add pressure to your life or make your routine unattainable.  They are there to guide you.  But life sometimes throws more at you than you anticipated.  That doesn't mean that you should give up.  Take a step back.  Do less.  Focus on what you are doing well, and reflect on one small change that will set you back on track.

Breathe through the chaos.  Love the mess.  Start anew every day.

10 minutes a day

In the summer I was an avid rollerblader.  I went miles every day, pushing the stroller.  I also went biking with the baby on my back quite a few times.  Now that fall is here and winter is coming, rollerblading and biking are not quite as enjoyable.  As you can see in my exercise log, I have had a looonnng break from my daily exercise habit and it's time to get back to it.  So my next activity that I am focusing on is running.  10 minutes a day of running will do, just to keep me from being completely sedentary.